CN: Alcohol abuse, self harming, drugs
I went to get therapy the other day.
The guy who opened the door looked like a sausage stuffed into a yellow shirt. But who am I to judge I was wearing the same 3 day old sweatpants I slept in and no underwear.
I go in and sit next to the box of tissues. He starts asking me about my life. I get as far as a quick overview of places I’ve lived and worked and he interrupts me to say how hard it is to keep hold of me. I’m always running away. It’s hard for employers, I start missing shifts, then I quit unexpectedly. The poor lambs. I say I’m doing pretty well to be in the same place, same job for four years – he corrects me. Four years is nothing, actually. We’re the same age, he says. But we don’t seem the same age, do we? I look over at the sausage. I have a moisturising routine which could help… ?
- Do you take drugs?
- Yes
- What kind of drugs?
- Recently X and Y
- What do you mean recently?
- I’ve said too much.
He goes, well I can’t legally see you if you’re habitually using drugs. I go I’m not habitually using drugs, I just take a line when I’m out every now and then. He says you’re an addict and your symptoms are due to drug and alcohol abuse.
- I started self harming at 12
- Alcohol abuse is self harm. And you won’t get anything from therapy until you are abstinent.
He looks over at me with what he thinks is a critical stare, but there’s something uncomfortable about the way he’s tucked into his armchair, in his new practice. He doesn’t look installed properly, and he knows it. He doesn’t know what to do with me but he knows how to make me feel inferior. He’s my age. Has he had this practice for 4 years? 4 years is nothing, apparently.
I start crying.
- I’ve been trying for years to find a fucking therapist and now you tell me you won’t see me because of a few lines on the weekend.
- I said I would see you if you were abstinent. But you must be honest with yourself. I know when patients are not abstinent. They are argumentative. They talk back. They discuss.
Conclusion: if I don’t believe every evaluation this bratwurst makes about my behaviour I’m in denial. If I disagree or argue it’s because I’m using drugs and alcohol. If I accept his diagnosis I’m a lazy junkie who needs to get with the program and stay in a job that makes me unhappy. I came in thinking I was depressed and undiagnosed ADHD, turns out I’m just a wanker with a drug problem who never grew up.
The next day he writes me. Good morning, he says. Due to your ungreatful (sic) reaction when I suggested abstinence in which you insulted therapists (quote: fucking therapists) I have decided to withdraw my offer of therapy.
Fin.